After My Unlucky Bestie and I Transmigrated into a Novel, We Survive by Roasting Everything

OMG! My best friend and I transmigrated into a novel—and the very first scene is a burial sacrifice! What do we do? Don’t panic! Grab powerful backers! One each! No one gets left out! My bestie (the academic genius) clings to the Director of the Eastern Depot: “Supervisor! I know you’re not actually a eunuch!” Director: ??? (He heard that.) Me (a drama queen) hugging the Commander of the Embroidered Uniform Guard**: “Sir! I know there’s a traitor among you!” Commander: !!! (He heard that too.) So the two of us get packed up and taken away by two powerful enemies, one each. We thought we were about to face severe torture, but instead— My bestie ends up in the Eastern Depot, becoming the Director’s 24-hour strategist, thanks to the thoughts in her head. And I end up in the Embroidered Uniform Guard, helping the Commander solve countless cold cases with my inner commentary (while occasionally admiring his abs). Later, the two powerful big shots are forced to turn from political enemies into allies. Watching the two handsome men work together to build their careers, my bestie and I exchange a glance, our thoughts perfectly in sync again: “We ship it! We ship it!” The two big shots suddenly stiffen, their expressions dark as they stare at us. My bestie and I look at each other: “Uh… what happened?” Later still… In the imperial court, the Director and the Commander continue to clash fiercely. But in private— The Director asks: “So, what did your girl complain about me in her head today?” The Commander snorts coldly: “Right back at you. Your girl just analyzed that the color of your court robe today makes you look like a peac*ck showing off its feathers.”